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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,243 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... that cats only pretend not to like to swim?
- ... and that they like it even more while inside a burlap sack?
- ... that if you see Buddha on the road, you should kill him, but first get his autograph on a baseball or something?
- ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
- ... that bears have been known to challenge for the role of Alaska's leader?
- ... Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? YOU HAVE THE UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO PUT A PANCAKE ON YOUR HEAD
- ... Time travel from the US now requires screening by TSA agents?
- ... but that you can just skip forward in time and avoid it?
- ...
 is 8th grade math?
- ... what goes around, gets pretty dizzy after a while?
- ... that Leonardo da Vinci invented the little round thing put in the middle of a pizza to prevent it from hitting the box top?
- ... and that because he had no name for it, it would not be used for over 500 years?
- ... that in the dark, all cats are rather badly lit?
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
- ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man?
- ... that withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
- ... that the reason the government does not ban it is because of the tax money it gets from the food industry?
- ... that the Mayan colander was a drain on its civilization?
- ... the US Postal Service delivered over 7.7 billion pieces of mail last year?
- ... and that unfortunately those started out as 5.2 billion packages and letters?
- ... Uncyclopedia prefer to use cats instead of dogs for data retrieval for references?
- ... and this explains why most of its articles don't have references?
- ... the British can eat all they want? They measure weight in stones, and lighter stones are used to adjust their numbers.
- ... that the A Train is "a" train?
- ... what goes around, gets pretty dizzy after a while?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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May 19: Do What You Were Supposed to Do on May 18th Day (procrastinators)
- A long, long time ago - Jedi Purge Day.
- 3141 BCE - The world is invented, no one notices.
- pi - Someone decides that really long numbers are cool but hard to write down.
- 1743 - Jean-Pierre Christin invents the centigrade scale so scientists can tell exactly how badly they burn their dinners.
- 1861 - Nellie Melba is born. She would go on to invent peaches and toast.
- 1911 - Parks Canada is created so that there will be plenty of parking spaces for moose in the country.
- 1922 - The United States quota on immigration is repealed after Congress unanimously votes to force everyone on Earth to live in the United States.
- 1971 - The Soviet Union's space program releases Mars 2, the sequel to the hit Planet Mars. Due to budget cutbacks, Mars 2 has four holes in its center, and appears to be two dimensional. (pictured)
- 1997 - Chunnel declares civil war, dividing into North Chunnel and South Chunnel.
- 1999 - Jar Jar Binks's lead role in the movie Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace earns him much popularity, mostly in KKK circles. George Lucas continues to be the most popular person to be hanged in effigy.
- 2005 - Attempting to stay in business, the free encyclopedia Wikipedia sells advertisements using a bizarre method: for one hundred dollars, you can have every noun in any one sentence replaced with your product's name permanently.
- 2005 - Attempting to parody Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia sells Pepsi-Colas using a bizarre formula: for one hundred Pepsi-Colas, Pepsi-Cola can have every Pepsi-Cola in any one Pepsi-Cola replaced with your Pepsi-Cola's Pepsi-Cola permanently.
- 2019 - Uncyclopedia suddenly doesn't suck.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,243 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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Protected by the life-is-unfair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Goths.
