UnNews:Force Awakens after long, anxious wait

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18 December 2015

A third retread starfighter on stage will hope to deliver a few memorable lines and contribute some random drama — reportedly, Jar-Jar Binks.

LOS ANGELES, California -- After months of secrecy and anticipation, the most anticipated sequel in the galaxy is finally ready for viewing.

Yet another Democratic Party presidential debate is finally ready to air, pitting Bernie Sanders, who eagerly embraces the normally fatal label "socialist," against Hillary Clinton, who has gone to great lengths to keep anyone from having any information on her at all, notably the FBI.

Fans of the previous productions stood in line for hours to be the first inside the standing-room-only venue, some of them dressed as personal Department of State computer servers. Supermarket stockperson Kelly Andrews, who wears her love of Democratic Party debates on her skin in the form of #BlackLivesMatter and "Free the Gitmo 29" tattoos, eagerly anticipated the sequel. "I hope we declare video a fundamental human right, so that it is no longer restricted to the 1% who are able to pay for it," she said.

Debate moderators will be rested and ready, after a recent strenuous evening of asking pediatric neurosurgeon Ben Carson whether being willing to lead a war that might harm children makes him a hypocrite. They are preparing equally tough questions for the Democrats, mostly involving favorite colors and preferences in undergarments.

The candidates' policy positions have been well rehearsed; they will claim that President Obama has not gone far enough in regulating business, raising taxes, appeasing the world's dictators, and letting Russia replace the U.S. as sole world superpower. The long-awaited sequel, by comparison, will let the contestants trip over each other at calling Donald Trump a reactionary ogre most effectively.

In the wake of massacres in Paris and San Bernardino, California by lone-wolf individuals who perverted Islam by taking the Koran literally, the candidates will offer rhetoric about a tough military response that doesn't actually bind the United States to do anything. This will be a special challenge for Clinton, given her signature position that video — presumably including the debate itself — spurs Muslims to extreme acts.

Clinton seems to be a lock for the nomination, though many in the party are rallying around Sanders in case of a surprise indictment for stealing and destroying government property. An average of polls gives Sanders a 5-point lead in New Hampshire, where the sequel will be filmed at a Democratic Party office in Goffstown dressed up to resemble a university. Other Democratic opinion leaders say the contingency plan involving the Senator from neighboring Vermont is unnecessary. They say that, if such an arrest were forthcoming, it would have occurred in 2001, when Clinton and husband Bill left the Oval Office, along with the silverware and most of the furniture.

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