UnNews:Usain Bolt succeeds Angela Merkel
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Monday, June 3, 2024, 01:00:59 (UTC) |
| Usain Bolt succeeds Angela Merkel | 
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24 September 2017
Kingston, Jamaica -- Germany has given a clear vote this Sunday: Definitely nobody wants the further regime of a Great Coalition of Angela Merkel's CDU with the looser party SPD. But the latter will share the opposition seats with election winner AfD in the German parliament Bundestag, because no civilized citizen likes this uncivilized nazi-like party, and that's because AfD is in the German political landscape what dirty Breitbart is in the US.
The left party recently reached the status of a civilized established party, thus suffering too from losses for the established parties except FDP, and still no other party wants to cooperate with the left in Federal politics. Thus only Merkel's "Blacks" CDU/CSU together with neoliberal Christian Lindner's one-man-show Yellows, the revived zombie party FDP, plus Cem Özdemir's Greens can build a parliamentary coalition to build and support the next government. The Black-Yellow-Green coalitions of regional German parliaments are called Jamaica Coalition, and so the next German government coalition will be called too.
After the first election results arrived thru the ticker UnNews immediately called Usain Bolt. UnNews: "Hi, Usain, the Krauts need You as Chief!". Bolt took his Cell phone out of his pocket, heard our call and then called "Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!" while he ran a fantastic world record in his 400m sprint training, but he was much more excited by the new challenge he'll soon be called for: Federal Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany! That's a true wow, because any true Jamaica Coalition of course needs a true Jamaican leader. And after the massive losses of the government parties CDU/CSU and SPD it must be one who acts faster than a lightning to heal German Government from its destructive Black-Zero-politics disaster, to stop it spreading austerity horror like that all over the whole EU.